The NEW weekend

Honestly I’m not even gonna apologize for being away from the blog for so long

Cause by now you should know your girl has a longterm commitment problem and if not well “we need to talk.”

Anyways as another beautiful summer weekend comes to a close Im starting to realize weekends no longer have ends. Like they are just part of the week.  We feel the hype because we are trained to feel the hype from elementary school.  Sunday is the new Friday and it took me awhile to get passed that memo. Thanks guys!

How do people work? I need to know. I know that my job doesn’t require me to be up in an office at 8am on Monday morning during the summer (yes, Im blessed, I recognize and I say all my thank yous all the time) but these people are going IN on Sunday night. Its called sunDAY funDAY because you get your drank on during the day, it wears of and you prep for the week at night. Not blacking out Sunday night and then what?  Can I just shadow whoever started this whole shabang? You live well.

Well while I’ve been gone, I’ve been very single. No, no hold the tears. I’m good.

Really. The man had to go.

My soul was never going to be at ease with someone who would not let me in all the way, all the time.  I was in a relationship and kept forgetting that there was two of us in it. SO weight lifted, small tears shed, whatever. Occasionally I wanna poison his coffee, or snuggle his muscly back or hit him with my roommates truck or call him up to like cry and apologize (for what? being the best girlfriend ever? So like I can’t cook but yo I can clean) or shave his head, but I think he’d still look good. But those are all just waves and phases and I’m riding them out like a good independent single girl with a full time job and future plans on the mind should.

The only issue is while you’re single everyone expects you to mingle.

Its like rule one: While you are alone in spirit you may never be a l o n e i n bed.

Oh cause thats really gonna cleanse my soul? Tossing sheets with a bunch of strangers.

Well I never let bad advice go un-listened to so I’ve been…. “meeting gentlemen” Wow that sounds like prostitutes, but like how far apart are the two ideas? Just neither of us has money. Well maybe these guys do but they never last long enough for me to find out. Wanna know why? Well lets start with last weekends fiasco:

A grown man pee’d in my bed. I know. How? Why? What? Seriously? Gloria?

Im mortified just sharing this information because its like, did I just attract an animal into bed with me?

So get this … he denies it (yes I made sure it wasn’t sweat… who sweats just around their groin?), I want him to leave, he’s cuddling hardcore alone in my bed. GET THE F OUT. I need an ejection button. Please note this man was an attractive, working, college educated person! I do try to put some thought into the whole thing. But why was he also an untrained dog? They say men are babies, but WHOA.

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EJECTION BUTTON NOW!

So that morning I wash everything in my life and I swear off one night stands… Which brings us to this weekend: Dude comes over. Cool. Dude looks well groomed. Cool. Dude informs me he’s been dabbling in “party favors.” Whatever, its Saturday. Dude does not pee in my bed. Awesome! Dude does go to the bathroom (like you should). Then two hours later never comes back.  I fell asleep thinking he left which makes my life easier then I realize his clothes are still on my floor and his phone and keys on my dresser….. Uh?  Well Nancy Gloria Drew gets out of bed early Sunday morning to go look for her mystery man.  I had come up with three theories: Bathroom floor vomiting, kitchen eating food that isn’t his, living room couch hanging with my guy roommate. All things I would find and turn a blind eye too.  No, he isn’t in any of these places. My next thought: He wandered out of my house with no clothes and maybe lied about just how many “party favors” he helped himself too. So I put his stuff in a pile by the door and went back to bed. What else would you do? Really?

I eventually find the dumbass lying spread eagle on top of my roommate’s (who wasn’t home) bed. Wait. GET THE F OUT. Like I said I need an ejection button.

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While all this is happening, S is in Ireland frolicking with the horses and fairies, C is Eurotrippin for the first time,  E lives in Georgia now and it is likely F will be engaged by the end of the year.  Please understand there is a lack of lady support in my life right meow. So I’ve been handling myself within Gloria-Reason.

When you’ve never really been in control you can’t really be expected to get it back.  Am I right?

My guy roommate and I were talking about how maybe this is my sign that after this summer: No more playing the field. He kindly took me to play with puppies at a local shelter today post-fiasco (sidenote: my roommates are good people). And its like half of me is all ” I don’t wanna be a player no more” and I see the signs and I’m listening. Yet the other half is like “I can do bad all by myself.”

My Yogi teabag said the other day “Let things come to you” and you know what…that tea bag couldn’t have been more right. Straight chillen in the love department! Someone bring me chips, dip and a drink.

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