Today…I pulled my shit together

Today I pulled my shit together and there was still so much more to do. I got up ready to try again. Yes, I am riding on that resolution BS, but I will take what I can get when I can get it. Never underestimate the power of group mentality.  To say I have been trying to figure it out since the last time I wrote would be an understatement. I have yet again had my heartbroken by those I didn’t even know were holding it, drank vegetables in liquid form, paid to run in races, binge watched shows that gave me nightmares and quit jobs that were probably good for me.

Every morning I get up and sigh. I sigh so loud I’m afraid I will wake up my roommates. Then I immediately think f*ck ’em. Then quickly backtrack and think, I’m so sorry guys I actually don’t hate you But then I think, God I swear so much. Oh then I’m like, God…? Oh hey man, I’m sorry about, well everything that has just happened in the last 5 seconds since I opened my eyes. And then by the time I finish this exchange I’m exhausted and its time for work. So what I have learned since August 09, 2015…? That I know nothing at all. And maybe we’re all just faking it. And I need to get better at faking it to survive. And if this isn’t the truth I want to meet the man who gets up each day greeting the sky and ask if I can stay with him a while.

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I am most at peace right here, right now. Writing. I know that. So I should use that knowledge as power for my next journey. Finding the thing that makes me greet the sky each morning. I would like to promise to cut the shit with the sighing and swearing but I can only lose one vice at a time.  I will keep you posted which one I choose.

 

Inspire me. What makes you greet the sky each morning?

You wait your whole life

to be with prince charming. Oh don’t you lie. You know you’ve always wanted that bae who was just too good to be true.

And if he isn’t too good to be true at least he is yours. Am I right?

So like. I’m dating someone. Yeah control yourself – trainwrecks find love too.

And now Im realizing, maybe I should be single.

Full disclosure he is aware I blog: He will never find this blog.

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Maybe its because it took so long for me to be with him (I have referenced him here and there) so its extremely anticlimactic that we are the real deal (which is a real issue of today, someone should address this) oor maybe its because Im noticing that the second that a man becomes mine, I want him to be MINE. I lose focus of me and it becomes a whirlwind of silent crazy emotion that makes me a useless bag of whats ifs and can we talk. I never actually get around to saying any of the floating questions in my head because I am not a crazy bat outside of this blog.

I explained this to my gal T on the phone the other day. And she says we just need to find ourselves as a couple. But thats the part that confuses me.  Whats the point of being in a relationship if I have to hide this ginormous part of my mind that develops when I am in one?  C’mon guys you all know me by now (and if you don’t… well keep reading the blog).  I am inquisitive and I am doubtful and I really don’t mean to be.  Habits worth working on right? Well sorry, not sorry.

This man chose me right? Well is it ok to ask why? If not then like why?

Its the fact that in an intimate relationship I am willing to share these sort of things, its why I’m in one really and I hate being the “weaker” of the two. The one who wants to share and divulge and give and give and give.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am trying to learn to hold back parts of me from someone I already care about. But its hard for me. It turns me into someone I naturally am not.  And if thats the way the game is played maybe I should not be allowed to play.