The NEW weekend

Honestly I’m not even gonna apologize for being away from the blog for so long

Cause by now you should know your girl has a longterm commitment problem and if not well “we need to talk.”

Anyways as another beautiful summer weekend comes to a close Im starting to realize weekends no longer have ends. Like they are just part of the week.  We feel the hype because we are trained to feel the hype from elementary school.  Sunday is the new Friday and it took me awhile to get passed that memo. Thanks guys!

How do people work? I need to know. I know that my job doesn’t require me to be up in an office at 8am on Monday morning during the summer (yes, Im blessed, I recognize and I say all my thank yous all the time) but these people are going IN on Sunday night. Its called sunDAY funDAY because you get your drank on during the day, it wears of and you prep for the week at night. Not blacking out Sunday night and then what?  Can I just shadow whoever started this whole shabang? You live well.

Well while I’ve been gone, I’ve been very single. No, no hold the tears. I’m good.

Really. The man had to go.

My soul was never going to be at ease with someone who would not let me in all the way, all the time.  I was in a relationship and kept forgetting that there was two of us in it. SO weight lifted, small tears shed, whatever. Occasionally I wanna poison his coffee, or snuggle his muscly back or hit him with my roommates truck or call him up to like cry and apologize (for what? being the best girlfriend ever? So like I can’t cook but yo I can clean) or shave his head, but I think he’d still look good. But those are all just waves and phases and I’m riding them out like a good independent single girl with a full time job and future plans on the mind should.

The only issue is while you’re single everyone expects you to mingle.

Its like rule one: While you are alone in spirit you may never be a l o n e i n bed.

Oh cause thats really gonna cleanse my soul? Tossing sheets with a bunch of strangers.

Well I never let bad advice go un-listened to so I’ve been…. “meeting gentlemen” Wow that sounds like prostitutes, but like how far apart are the two ideas? Just neither of us has money. Well maybe these guys do but they never last long enough for me to find out. Wanna know why? Well lets start with last weekends fiasco:

A grown man pee’d in my bed. I know. How? Why? What? Seriously? Gloria?

Im mortified just sharing this information because its like, did I just attract an animal into bed with me?

So get this … he denies it (yes I made sure it wasn’t sweat… who sweats just around their groin?), I want him to leave, he’s cuddling hardcore alone in my bed. GET THE F OUT. I need an ejection button. Please note this man was an attractive, working, college educated person! I do try to put some thought into the whole thing. But why was he also an untrained dog? They say men are babies, but WHOA.

badinbed

EJECTION BUTTON NOW!

So that morning I wash everything in my life and I swear off one night stands… Which brings us to this weekend: Dude comes over. Cool. Dude looks well groomed. Cool. Dude informs me he’s been dabbling in “party favors.” Whatever, its Saturday. Dude does not pee in my bed. Awesome! Dude does go to the bathroom (like you should). Then two hours later never comes back.  I fell asleep thinking he left which makes my life easier then I realize his clothes are still on my floor and his phone and keys on my dresser….. Uh?  Well Nancy Gloria Drew gets out of bed early Sunday morning to go look for her mystery man.  I had come up with three theories: Bathroom floor vomiting, kitchen eating food that isn’t his, living room couch hanging with my guy roommate. All things I would find and turn a blind eye too.  No, he isn’t in any of these places. My next thought: He wandered out of my house with no clothes and maybe lied about just how many “party favors” he helped himself too. So I put his stuff in a pile by the door and went back to bed. What else would you do? Really?

I eventually find the dumbass lying spread eagle on top of my roommate’s (who wasn’t home) bed. Wait. GET THE F OUT. Like I said I need an ejection button.

bad date_blog

While all this is happening, S is in Ireland frolicking with the horses and fairies, C is Eurotrippin for the first time,  E lives in Georgia now and it is likely F will be engaged by the end of the year.  Please understand there is a lack of lady support in my life right meow. So I’ve been handling myself within Gloria-Reason.

When you’ve never really been in control you can’t really be expected to get it back.  Am I right?

My guy roommate and I were talking about how maybe this is my sign that after this summer: No more playing the field. He kindly took me to play with puppies at a local shelter today post-fiasco (sidenote: my roommates are good people). And its like half of me is all ” I don’t wanna be a player no more” and I see the signs and I’m listening. Yet the other half is like “I can do bad all by myself.”

My Yogi teabag said the other day “Let things come to you” and you know what…that tea bag couldn’t have been more right. Straight chillen in the love department! Someone bring me chips, dip and a drink.

This is not a feminist rant…

All I want for Christmas is for Taylor Swift to disappear from the spotlight and have real women of worth and SUBSTANCE be recognized.  And normally I don’t cheer with the feminist crowd cause I never know if I’m saying the right thing (even though I am a woman…) and also because I’ve been to a strip club (don’t look at me like that).  I’ve been told by a self proclaimed feminist that, that small fact very likely keeps me from sitting for chair woman of the feminist society… like I said… I don’t know.  I’m still woman, hear me purr and roar depending on how much sleep I got.

time

Who do you want to see here?

 

This is not a feminist rant.  This is a why do we idolize a 14 year old girl in a 25 year old woman’s body…? rant Because shes friendly? WHAT ON EARTH DOES SHE DO? I honestly believe America sets the bar sooo low for what a great person is. Its embarrassing.  Lets talk George Clooney’s wife.

1) You wifed up George… George, the bachelor of the world. You hear that? Ya, that’s the sound of me clapping.

2) HER HAIR…

now that I’ve covered the superficial stuff the public apparently loves so much:

3) She’s an international lawyer for HUMAN RIGHTS (Taylor fckn who??)

Girl you the real MVP

Girl you the real MVP

Little girls listen up: that is who you want to be looking up to.  I’m sure she had a unibrow and got bullied when she was little and now she’s fabulous! She did not let a man define her or her career but rather told THE man to get on her train and hold the hell on.

You DO NOT WANT TO BE TAYLOR SWIFT; Who defines herself by her relationships, constant new female companions (there is nothing wrong with having friends… view blog post where I rant about how much I love my friends) and constantly reverts back to childhood drama. No. You want to learn the idea of standing on your own two feet and moving on and building success that way.

Am I saying Taylor’s incessant whining break up, bullying tunes (what some refer to as anthems) are not relatable? Sure. Am I saying we can do better for role-models as a nation? Absofucknlutely. I just feel like if the aim is to give Person of the Year to a relatable person… give it to a relatable person who has DONE something that makes them stand out or benefits others… Am I getting too into the giving spirit here? In my humble blogosphere opinion Taylor has never set an example I would need women nor men in my life to emulate and if Taylor could be on that cover, well than I could be on that cover, with MY own awkward bad break up, 5’9″ figure, chin blemish and all.

By the way… its my Birthday tomorrow.  #feelingtwentytwo (thanks for the hashtag Taylor…..)

4-22-birthday


Am I Less of an Adult….

because I don’t have a library card…?

Seriously. When was the last time I rented a book from the library? And not for the sake of this overdue post, but I have PURCHASED four books in the last three months from the book store (only two of which were read all the way through… This is MY blog and I reserve the right to be completely honest with whomever my readers may be) so its not like I’m illiterate.

It was not until today when I recalled “she-who-shall-not-be-named” calling me a shameless spender for buying books (saving the economy) that I decided it was time to rent. Then as I went to request my book of choice “Please enter your Library Card #” pops up… It hit me…

I haven’t had a solid library card for more than a month (much like my male relationships… ) in my entire life! After I left for college I pretty much gave up on the entire idea because paying my ridiculous little town $2.50 per card was getting out of hand.

Then again paying for an entire book I may or may not like kind of is too…
So then it is resolved: If I want to some day have a puppy… or a bae… I think holding onto a library card is a good place to start.

Isn’t weird how all things in life connect to puppies, baes, and vodka?

library

 

PS. Wickd sorry for the hiatus. I think I’m about to make a come back. Look out blogosphere