Today I pulled my shit together and there was still so much more to do. I got up ready to try again. Yes, I am riding on that resolution BS, but I will take what I can get when I can get it. Never underestimate the power of group mentality. To say I have been trying to figure it out since the last time I wrote would be an understatement. I have yet again had my heartbroken by those I didn’t even know were holding it, drank vegetables in liquid form, paid to run in races, binge watched shows that gave me nightmares and quit jobs that were probably good for me.
Every morning I get up and sigh. I sigh so loud I’m afraid I will wake up my roommates. Then I immediately think f*ck ’em. Then quickly backtrack and think, I’m so sorry guys I actually don’t hate you But then I think, God I swear so much. Oh then I’m like, God…? Oh hey man, I’m sorry about, well everything that has just happened in the last 5 seconds since I opened my eyes. And then by the time I finish this exchange I’m exhausted and its time for work. So what I have learned since August 09, 2015…? That I know nothing at all. And maybe we’re all just faking it. And I need to get better at faking it to survive. And if this isn’t the truth I want to meet the man who gets up each day greeting the sky and ask if I can stay with him a while.
I am most at peace right here, right now. Writing. I know that. So I should use that knowledge as power for my next journey. Finding the thing that makes me greet the sky each morning. I would like to promise to cut the shit with the sighing and swearing but I can only lose one vice at a time. I will keep you posted which one I choose.
Inspire me. What makes you greet the sky each morning?
I am proud to mark my 1 year with this blog today.
It has not been easy. I do not blog every day or every month for that matter and frankly I did not know the exact date was today (I knew it was this week to be fair).
This past year I have probably seen the most growth in myself if I am being entirely reflective. Honestly I was not expecting it because there were so many mental setbacks. Feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I’m going in the wrong direction with my life where themes that kept popping up over and over. But Today… is someday and right now I am sitting in my own room in my rather nice apartment. Yeah readers (again…whoever you are) I have an apartment now. I started this blog on my mattress, on the floor (not even a bed frame), of my bedroom, in my parents house… I was fresh off a horrid dumping of one those relationships you’re not ever really positive you’re in or not. (Now granted I am 3 days out of one of those again, but we can’t really fix all our issues in a year can we..? I’m not Rome). I graduated. Which honestly kids… not as climactic as a climax…dont let them fool you. And I went abroad on the most eye-opening solo trip, where I figured out that traveling could be a true passion of mine (once I kill off a rich husband).
So the year wasn’t perfect, but I used the ginormous speed bumps to figure out so much about myself – its unreal. That girl on the stirrups at the gyno who quit her job last year… works full-time. I’m still in the same profession, which we will not discuss, but I’m figuring out how to handle it in a way that I don’t want to hang myself at the thought of work. I’m open to the idea of love, that terrifying box of chocolates (you never know what you’re gonna get). And I’m always, always ready for more adventure. Another year will bring new fun along with challenges which I will handle with minimal grace and maximum anxiety and I hope to learn more about myself from all of it.
Thank you so much for following along. Without you I’d just be talking to myself… Or Am I?